The life-altering changes that occur in relationships during a divorce can produce a variety of feelings. One common feeling that individuals who are divorcing experience is loneliness. There may be times during the transition of divorce in which individuals may feel lonely, even among others in a familiar setting, without really understanding why.

There are a few common misperceptions about loneliness. Some persons believe that loneliness is a sign of weakness or immaturity, or an indication that there’s something wrong. A person feeling lonely may believe that he or she is the only one feeling this way, or may report feeling depressed, angry, afraid, and misunderstood. Individuals going through a divorce may become highly critical, overly sensitive, or self-pitying, or may also become critical of others, or even blame external factors for their situation.
With the development of these feelings, lonely individuals may then begin to exhibit behavior and thought patterns that increase their loneliness. Some may become discouraged, losing their sense of desire and motivation to get involved in new situations, and some may isolate themselves from people and activities entirely.
Others may overcompensate for lonely feelings by absorbing themselves too quickly and too deeply with people and activities, without evaluating the consequences of their involvement. They may later find themselves in unsatisfying relationships, or over-committed to outside activities.

It is essential to recognize that loneliness is a feeling that can be resolved. Loneliness is a common human experience. Loneliness is neither a permanent state nor “bad.” More accurately, it is an indicator that a person has important needs that must be fulfilled.

People experiencing loneliness can take action to meet their own emotional needs. One can begin by identifying which needs are not being met in a specific situation. There may be needs to reconnect with friends, discover new interests, or rekindle former pursuits. Learning to do things for oneself, without friends, can also open new pathways for self-fulfillment.

There are a number of ways to begin this need identification process. Consider the following:

• Remind yourself that current feelings of loneliness will not last forever.
• Look for ways to get involved with people during your normal daily schedule.
• Engage in activities (such as sports, hobbies, or volunteering) in which you have genuine interest. In so doing, you will be likely to meet people with whom you share common interests.
• Make use of community resources. Examples of these include special interest clubs, church groups, adult classes, and volunteer-based organizations.
• Use your private time enjoying and developing yourself outside the home. Recognize that there are many creative ways to connect or reconnect with your interests. Browse a bookstore, take private lessons, or listen to new music.
• Keep your home environment equipped with activities that you can use for personal satisfaction. Set up a small aquarium, clear some table space for working puzzles, or create a cozy reading space.
• Explore the possibility of doing things alone that you usually do with other people, such as going to the movies or trying a new restaurant.
• Expect positive results from trying new activities. An open mind and a sense of humor go a long way towards an optimistic outlook.

No matter how bad you feel, loneliness will diminish when you focus attention and energy on identifying your own needs. Once defined, this self-knowledge gives you the tools you need to be self-fulfilled and equipped to combat feelings of loneliness.

According to the organization’s official announcement, Tindall is being honored for his longtime dedication to dispute resolution and negotiation, calling him “a role model for lawyers who wish to transition from litigators to peacemakers.”

In particular, the ABA noted his leadership in the movement to bring collaborative law to Texas, culminating in two historic bills passed by the Texas State Legislature: the first-in-the-nation statute allowing for collaborative law to be used in divorce, and last year’s passage of the Uniform Collaborative Family Law Act, expanding the guidelines for how collaborative law is used.

Tindall is only one of two recipients of the Problem Solver award this year; the award is a testament to the work he’s done and the principles he ascribes to, and the Collaborative Law of Texas is honored that such an important member has received an honor of this magnitude.

This year’s event features more than 20 collaborative law experts — lawyers, mental health professionals, and financial professionals — who will present on a range of topics related to collaborative law. The conference’s first day is a half-day specifically geared for lawyers interested in practicing collaborative law. Click the links to see , along with registration information, is available a PDF highlighting all the topics, the registration page for the conference, and the registration page for the half-day conference.

Now, Sharples is sharing her insights about how divorcing parents can help their kids — and themselves — through the holidays on TV. This past Friday, she was featured in an interview that aired on Good Day Austin, the morning show for KTBC-TV (better known as Fox 7), Austin’s Fox affiliate. This short but informative interview gives a good overview of the information she shared in her blog articles, and is particularly helpful to those parents who might be looking to divorce in the coming year and wonder how next year’s holidays might be different.

There is an emotional aspect to every experience we have, and the holidays are no exception. Make it your goal to create a supportive emotional environment for your children at this time. If they are feeling sad, don’t try to jolly them out of their funk. Instead, validate their feelings and let them know that they are having a perfectly appropriate and understandable response to the challenging circumstances of this situation. With your loving understanding, they will feel heard, and better equipped to navigate the situation.

If it’s a gift-giving holiday like Christmas or Hannukah, you may face additional challenges. If there’s a wish list for presents, how can you avoid duplication? Ideally, talk with your ex to coordinate gifts and even support each other’s gift: If Suzy received a doll from her other parent, how about giving her some accessories for that doll? It’s also a time when your children might want to give their other parent a gift, and they need your help making or buying it. Try to support their generosity as best you can.

Another potential pothole presents itself when gift-giving is turned into a competition. Quite simply, don’t do it. Households have different perspectives on the meaning of gifts and material goods. Consider this a time for your children to experience difference, and let them draw their own conclusions about what gift-giving means to them.

As an intact household, you most likely had unique and treasured traditions around holidays. In your re-formed family, there is a delicate balance between preserving the traditions that continue to bring joy and meaning to the occasion, jettisoning the traditions that are a painful reminder of a version of your family that no longer exists, and creating new traditions that nurture the development and well-being of this new family form. This is an opportunity to include school-age children in the planning. Find out from them what traditions were important to them, and incorporate those traditions into your plans. Harness their creativity in crafting new rituals that will enable the family to express and celebrate the spirit of the season and don’t hesitate to think outside the box!

And then, of course, there are your emotions to manage. While modeling appropriate emotional responses is an important part of parenting, at raw emotional times, such as a first divorced holiday, you’ll probably need to expend a bit more energy than usual to ensure that your own vulnerable emotions aren’t on display in a way that your children might find overwhelming or frightening. This is also not a time to introduce significant, emotionally-charged information into the mix: don’t announce an upcoming relocation or introduce new romantic partners. Consider what the children are already contending with, and hold off on giving them further change to process.

Finally, recommit to what you already know. Do make a point of relating constructively with your ex. Don’t make disparaging remarks about him or her, or how he or she is choosing to celebrate the season. Don’t pump the kids for information about what’s going on at “the other house.” Do allow them to be excited about the time they will spend with their other parent and encourage it as best you can. Practice flexibility, adaptability and patience. And remember that, with time, all of this takes on a grace and ease that might be in short supply right now.

Divorce re-forms families. Instead of two parents living under one roof, there are now two homes where the children live, each with its own distinct culture and traditions. Ideally, the transition to this new world order goes smoothly, and the children adjust with relative ease. But even in the smoothest transition, holidays can represent a challenging time for divorced families.

There are functional considerations: What will the schedule be? How will gift-giving be managed across the households? What traditions will be carried over and what new ones will be created?

Then there are the emotional considerations: What will it be like to “celebrate” as this re-formed family and what memories will be stirred up? How are the children managing their feelings about being in a divorced family at a time when family takes center stage and for that matter? How are the parents feeling?

Most divorce decrees define how time with the children will be shared during various holidays. You and your ex-spouse may choose to follow this plan, or you may agree to a different schedule. Whatever the case, it is essential to have a plan well in advance, and to follow that plan. Your schedule is the first opportunity you have to reassure your children with a structure that they can rely on and, ideally, find comfort in.

Let them know by November 1st at the latest what the general schedule is. As details get worked out, share that information with them and tell them when, where and how you’ll be with them. If you and your ex are able to spend time together that’s comfortable and enjoyable for the children, go for it. But bear in mind that even the most artfully-masked tension rarely gets by a child’s keen radar.

The holiday season is also a time to enlist the support and cooperation of your extended family. If you know you won’t be with your children on Thanksgiving Day, invite the clan over when the children will be with you. Encourage the grandparents to fly in when they can spend time with the kids, even if that means celebrating a week before or after the official date. Adults tend to attach far more meaning to specific dates than children do, and relaxing your definition of holiday calendars can go a long way towards easing the stress of the season.

Coordination between households is another way to reassure your children that they are held in the loving arms of their family – albeit, a different version of that family. There’s certainly thoughtful consideration to be given to the schedule, and you and your ex-spouse are sure to appreciate each other’s understanding and flexibility around family gatherings, events, and even airline schedules.

I recently attended the annual Networking and Educational Forum of the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals, which was held in San Francisco, one of my favorite cities. As always, the workshops were exciting and informative and well worth the price of admission. The two keynote speakers at the Forum were outstanding in their fields, and dazzling in their ability to hold a huge audience’s attention for the entire duration of their speeches — and both of them used humor throughout their presentations as a teaching tool.

I was very pleased to hear Brené Brown, Ph.D., who is currently working in my home town of Houston as a research professor at the University of Houston’s Graduate College of Social Work. Her topics of study were unusual, and her findings very useful for collaborative professionals – vulnerability, courage, authenticity, shame and empathy. Her charm and hilarious delivery made it easy to see why she has been invited as a guest on network radio and television programs.

It was hard to see how any other speaker could match or top her teaching skills, but the very next day we were treated to another outstanding example of learning through laughter, when Dan Ariely, a professor of psychology and behavioral economics at Duke University, and “the founder of The Center for Advanced Hindsight,” explained his research on irrationality and behavioral economics.

What both these speakers brought to my mind was how often in collaborative sessions I observe collaborative team members use humor to illustrate a point, and how effective this technique is in improving communication in what could be a tense or uncomfortable moment. Somewhere, I’ve heard the expression “laughter is the best medicine.” It certainly can cure the troubled soul – and sometimes bring people together who were at odds only moments before. I would venture to say that a good sense of humor is a potent tool for anyone working with divorcing couples in collaborative law. It certainly makes a joint meeting more pleasant for everyone involved.

The article, “Garage Sale Litigation,” looks at a garage sale in Highland Park, featured in a recent edition of D Magazine, with a memorable visual (of a cushionless couch) that tells much about divorce and how difficult the traditional courtroom divorce process can be. It also shows how collaborative law provides a helpful alternative to those looking to end their marriages with more dignity and respect than what she terms a “garage sale approach” to settlement.

“Getting the house” – once the most coveted prize of a divorcing couple – has become a recession-era issue for divorcing couples.

Excess loan to fair market value challenges, insurance costs, reduced liquidity, increasing utility costs, maintenance considerations and undesirable neighbors all force divorcing couples to reconsider how important keeping or obtaining a residence during divorce really is. If you lived toward the top of your means when married, you cannot divide that lifestyle in half and afford the same kind of home. Even in cases where the divorcing couple wants to sell the home, agreeing upon a value and even the listing real estate broker can be challenging.

The American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers reported in September 2011 that it had seen an 86% increase in divorce settlement complications over housing debt in the last three years. Fifty-three percent of the attorneys noted a rise in relocation requests for children in custody, but only 21% of those requests were actually being granted.

The federal government is actively considering various proposals to give homeowners that are current on their mortgages some relief to refinance their homes even if the value of the debt exceeds the value of the home. While refinancing a home is not the end-all of the issue of ultimate home ownership during divorce, it may be important to follow this legislation as it moves through the process.

Losing a home is painful enough for adults, but it can be even worse for the children. Switching schools, finding new friends, and dealing with bitter parents can all add to the anxiety of a child. It takes all of the members of a collaborative law team, plus their network of real estate professionals, to create the best solution available within the reality of a given financial picture. Such a network would include an experienced mortgage advisor, a real estate agent, an appraiser and a property management individual who can accurate advise on potential leasing arrangements of the home pending a sale. Great deference by the parties and the team should be given to these professionals and their collective guidance on an appropriate resolution.

Some of you may have seen this article on Reuters.com a couple of weeks ago. Essentially, the government in Mexico City is considering a law allowing couples to receive an expiring marriage contract. The concept is that since approximately half of the marriages in Mexico City end in divorce and last less than two years, why not offer a marriage contract that expires without the need for divorce? The minimum term would be two years, which the couple could extend if the marriage was going well, and the contract would provide for the division of property and how to handle the children, if the contract were allowed to expire. If the contract expires, the couple is no longer married and they simply move on their separate ways without having to go through the difficult divorce process.

Does this sound familiar? This reminds me of pre-nuptial agreements – or, at least, the intent behind a pre-marital agreement. I also believe this is an area that we may be under-utilizing in Collaborative Law. We all recognize the benefits of Collaborative Divorce in terms of decreasing the animosity inherent in divorce litigation, but how many of us are actively seeking to expand our Collaborative Marriage Planning business? Many of us draft premarital agreements, and we have all seen the ugliness that can surround the formation of the agreement, and the even uglier side of litigation intent on destroying the agreement upon divorce. So, why aren’t more of us extolling the benefits of collaboration in formation of these agreements?

Interest-based negotiation could be wonderfully utilized to set out future individual goals and concerns, and then goals and concerns related to children could be discussed at length as well. Our even-tempered and wonderful collaborative mental health professionals would be in the room to help control the inevitable emotions swirling while discussing these future goals and to facilitate interest based communication. Our knowledgeable and trustworthy financial professionals would be present to help everyone understand the future value of these assets, the possible financial needs of the children, and to generally make sure the greed is tempered with information. We could weave a fabric of understanding and mutual respect in the process, as well as a mutuality of input so rarely found in a standard pre-marital agreement negotiation.

I always discuss Collaborative Law with my pre-marital agreement clients, and suggest they discuss the process with their future spouse, and if they can agree, they include a provision requiring they use Collaborative Law in any future divorce action. If that same couple had already collaborated on the formation of the contract, the Collaborative Law provision would have added teeth, if challenged, because there would be no question of their understanding of the process at the time of entering the agreement. I realize this would require our clients to consider their need for a pre-marital agreement at some point prior to the week before the scheduled wedding date, and also be willing to sit down and dedicate some time and effort to the process. However, with enough success stories related to Collaborative Law easing an incredibly difficult contract negotiation in this area, I believe the practice could easily expand rapidly in that direction.

Many of you are already utilizing this idea in your own practice, but for those who are not, I suggest considering it as a way to achieve a stable, well-reasoned agreement that protects the privacy and dignity of both parties.